You Are the Most Important Person You Know

You are the most important person you know. As a matter of fact, you are the most important person any of us knows. Even if we haven’t met you, per se, you’re still the top dog, the head honcho, the person about whom all of us should be chiefly concerned. The things you say, the opinions you hold, and the things you do are unflaggingly fascinating, and we all need to hear, know, and see them.

All right, time for an honesty moment. Do I believe one single, solitary word of that paragraph I just wrote? Not a chance. I’m sure you’re a lovely, engaging person, full of hopes and dreams and personal triumphs, and that’s all well and good. But please, please, shut the hell up.

What’s the source of this little rant I’m indulging in right now? As I rode Phoenix’s shiny new Light Rail this morning, the young guy sitting behind me spent the entire ride blathering on at full volume into his cell phone, broadcasting his opinions on anything and everything at volume that ensured he could be clearly heard in neighboring counties. I can now count myself among those fortunate enough to know this incredibly loud stranger’s opinions on the ever-raging Xbox­-PS3 debate, the infrastructure of the Phoenix metropolitan region, and the likelihood of the Bengals getting into the playoffs. I don’t care. NOBODY CARES. I was once riding the train in Chicago on which a woman plopped down, started spreading out sensitive, personal documents, and yammering into her phone about her delinquent daughter, her recent split from her other half, and her difficulty finding a job due to the fact that she was on federal probation. Really? Is this really who we’ve become? Are we the country that sits on a train full of other people holding cell phone conversations at the top of our lungs for upwards of half an hour? Attention, world: the Ugly American isn’t just a stereotype that applies to how my countrymen behave on vacation; we act like that at home, too.

The more I thought about it, though, the less surprised I was. We’ve been trained to act like this by our parents, our schoolteachers, and by the media we consume in mass quantities day in and day out. If you’re in the 18-49 demographic, you’re the most important consumer in America. If you’re older than that, we have all sorts of fantastic new satellite channels that cater to the needs of you, the very important older consumer. If you’re a little kid, you’re bombarded with ads for toys you need to have right this instant. The prescription drug companies run commercials all day imploring you to ask your doctor if Zoloft, Aricept, or Cialis is right for you, because everyone cares about YOUR health and well-being. You’d better switch to DTV right now, because we don’t want YOU to miss out on something. You are the most important person you know.

Well, no, you’re not. You’re swell and all, but don’t get carried away on a wave of your own self-importance. Just because you were told you’re special and perfect and incredibly significant doesn’t mean it’s true. I’m sorry to burst your bubble.